ug, looking at these pictures, what you’ve been thinking about, listening to that John mayall song, I’m sitting here at 11pm with my gut heaving. How do you do it how do you do it, you really really are alone in so many ways. And you hide your real feelings so well.
i feel you, I felt you this weekend. and I guess I’ve been feeling you for some time now, going back to before you went to Morocco. but with so much going on, I couldn’t, didn’t stop and take the time. Sometimes I’ve tried, but I think you have your defense mechanism turned way up.
Some thoughts, I’ve actually been realizing lately, even though I’m 41 and I thought I know all this. Just when you think someone is not gonna let you down, every kind of person, mom’s and dad’s, friends, lovers, teachers, preachers, bosses they all do it, it happens to everyone, everyday. And it’s not because they’re/we’re all bad, inconsiderate people, it’s just because we are all instinctively selfish in some ways. Even the most together, amazing, cool, intelligent, giving person, is into self preservation instinctively. It doesn’t make it right though, and when you really really care about someone and want to connect with them for awhile in the universe so to speak (a high level relationship of mind and sometimes body), you tell them how their actions make you feel, good, bad or otherwise, so they can learn to know you and how the things they say affect you and so you’re on the same page. This can be amazing, when it’s good and keeps getting repeated, oh wow. But painful sometimes, some people can’t take it or give it. Hint— it’s the secret to knowing if that someone would be the type of person to share a longterm relationship with. (Note— on a personal note, the person I’m intimate with has poor initial reactions when I decide to tell him something I don’t like, but after a while- sometimes minutes, sometimes hours- sometimes longer— but always remembers and tries not to repeat something that I didn’t like)
How the actions or inactions of others affects us is our choice, it is how we decide to deal with it. Sometimes (most all the time) that’s easier said than done, I know. You’re good, way better than me, at separating the emotions out of the actions, not interpretating, not assuming, not taking the fault of another and imposing it on yourself (i.e. thinking you’re worthless, just cause someone treats you that way) The reason you’re good, is because you’re independent, self-reliant, you’re learning to live alone, survive on your own, be happy when you’re alone sometimes, you have a pretty good level of confidence for the most part (yeah, you have some insecurities, you’re related to me, you’ve got alot on your windshield in life), but you’re forcing yourself to change the windshield in your life, you’re forcing yourself to correct your fears and conquer your demons. You’re learning who you are, you’re spending time with yourself, you’re developing an inner sense of direction and inner strength. You are eons ahead of so so many….
This life we livin is like a long train ride, if we get off, it just keep goin and leaves us behind and we don’t got the luxury of stoppin or changin course sometimes, it just keeps goin and it’s loud, engines roaring, wheels grinding, too many people talking.
Take care child of mine. You’re gonna be just fine, this journey is a test of yourself and you have some long unbearable silences without touch right now, but you’ll look back on all this alone time one day and be happy that you lived it like you’re livin it now. You’re on a long train ride, just like your train you used to see every single time we went up or down that hill, every single time, without fail. There’s your train…
Everything’s gonna be alright. I’ll be checking this more often, so glad to be back in touch with the inner soul… soulmate signing off….
